Ten Tips for Giving Up Control
There’s nothing like being quarantined with other humans to become aware of and get you to give up your controlling behavior. So much fun, right?
Joking aside, for many letting go of controlling behavior is, in a word, terrifying. One of my favorite authors Brooke Castillo puts it this way, “We want to control the humans”. The problem is that it never works.
HERE ARE TIPS FOR GIVING UP CONTROL
Lose The “Why”. Before you stop reading right now and think I’m anti-therapy, let me be clear. I’m a huge fan of therapy. As a coach however, my job is to help you get unstuck. After 13+ years of coaching, I’ve learned that asking ourselves why we or someone else does something rarely helps us move forward. In fact, focusing on the “why’s” typically fosters rumination vs progress. I’ve seen clients order book after book and spend entire years focused on the why. While I love introspection, losing the why moves us forward and helps us take our power back!
Grab A New Thought. Ask any qualified coach what one of our most powerful tools is and that coach will tell you: Thought Management. We have over 600 thoughts a day and if we believed all them, we’d be in serious trouble. At The Comeford Group, we’ve developed The Comeford Method which helps you not only become aware of unhelpful thoughts and worries but identifies and helps create those thoughts that serve you. I recently worked with a client and the thought we chose for her during Covid was: “My faith sustains me”. For me, the thought I’ve chosen during is : “ I am open and receptive to all good”. This thought helps me feel protected from worry and invites abundance.
Feel The Feelings. If you frequently suffer bouts of anxiety when things don’t “go as planned,” rather than lashing out at those around you, sit with the feelings. I used to suck at this; now I can sit with them at most times. Can feelings be horribly uncomfortable? Absolutely. However, learning that feelings come and go, often have no power over us, and sometimes lie is a skill which can be learned. In fact, feelings have far less power when acknowledged than they do when stuffed.
Show Yourself Some Compassion & Empathy In The Process. Do we ever beat up on ourselves, right? Author & renowned sociologist, Brene Brown in her new podcast, “Unlocking Us” reminds us that empathy is not finite and is the antidote to shame. Shame keeps us stuck and unable to move forward. When we drop shame and embrace empathy, we are standing in our power and winning.
Consider the idea that someone else might be in control after all. Whether or not you believe in a Higher Power, God, the Universe, chances are you’ve experienced times when things didn’t go your way and later on you actually thanked your lucky stars. Remember that high school guy who broke your heart and or that seemingly trustworthy guy you divorced? Research by prominent leaders in psychology show that tapping into a little faith that you’d feel that way down the line.
Get free help. If you can’t afford a coach or a therapist, there are great support groups and free podcasts out there. Alanon Family Groups is the most common. Your synagogue, church or community center are other options. There is nothing quite like sitting in a room full of people or on-line (thanks Covid-19!) who are putting words to some of your deepest, most secret, and often unformed feelings for the first time.
Get Medication When Needed: Pill shamers and disease shamers, please keep quiet. You are espousing very dangerous opinions. Depression, anxiety, etc are diseases-- just like diabetes or alcoholism. I know this first hand. I’ve struggled with clinical depression and anxiety most of my life and hid it like a boss. My Mom had it, her parents had it and most likely her parents’ parents had it. Thankfully I am surrounded by some amazing doctors after years of searching for years. A talented doctor with the right meds can make a world of difference.
Filter Some Of Those Friends: Friends are awesome if they authentically support you on your journey. They will cheer you on from the sidelines, but they should not be counted on as your only source of support. Friends are not lawyers, trained coaches or therapists. Sometimes their unsolicited advice is unwanted and/or off the mark. Further, using them as a coach or therapist could end the friendship when you’re not getting what you need from them or when they get tired of hearing it. Include them (if you want) in your process by appropriately updating or sharing with them but recognize that despite their protests to the contrary, many might be drama seekers.
Make a list of everything you can control and everything you can’t. This may sound basic and somewhat trite. In each moment, simply ask yourself, where the issue falls. I guarantee that as you become more and more aware of what you can’t control, you will begin to feel lighter and freer and ironically, in control.
Fresh Air: Your Grandma was right. Fresh air cures many ails. If you aren’t allowed to go for a walk or bike ride right now, open the window and breathe it in. Doing so will force you to slow down and calm your nervous system.
Know that in every moment, you have a choice to control your own thoughts, feelings, behavior and let go of everything else. By making that choice, you are not only changing your life but also modeling self love for others.
